I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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