There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
