She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
