The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
