Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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