just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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