i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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