The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
