I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
