wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
