i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
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My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
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Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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