dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
