It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
