Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this just has baby written all over it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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