Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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