I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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