I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
