Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
