the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
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the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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