Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My ATM looks so different sober.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
