I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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