You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
