I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize