Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
