You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
