the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
