you didnt know i had herpes?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
