I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
