After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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