"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
