Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
