Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This is the high leading the old right now
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
