I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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