there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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