Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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