Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
