I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
