What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
