i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
