My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
