We named our party play list daddy issues
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
