When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
