Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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