I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
