The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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