my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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