WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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