We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
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