Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I need to stop coming to work sober
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
