we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
