So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
