I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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