3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
