Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
