Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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