her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
