The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
