We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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